White Flag
by Elizabeth Perry
Summary: Song Fic. OneShot. Addek, angsty. What happens when Addison gets confirmation that Derek is moving on?


A/N: No spoilers here just an Addison centric fic. She's still in love with Derek but  
what happens when she gets confirmation that he's moving on.

Disclaimers: I don't own the characters or Dido but wouldn't it be great if I did?

* * *

"He just asked me to marry him…Can you believe it?" I had been having a bad day already when she made the announcement and even though I had been coaching myself that there was a possibility that this day would arrive, I can't help myself. I inhale a sharp breath at the announcement that Meredith Grey had so callously spouted out in front of her girlfriends and even if I had only been walking by it hurt nonetheless. 

_I know you think that I shouldn't still love you or tell you that  
but If I didn't say it well I'd still have felt it, where's the sense in that  
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder  
or return to where we were but_

I crumple up the tissue in my fingers and blow my nose loudly as another onset of tears rolled down my cheeks, without me bothering to swipe at them. Derek and Meredith were official. She was going to be the next Mrs. Shepherd, or Doctor Shepherd. Even after I threw my rings in the water on the bridge that day, my heart hadn't left him. It couldn't, it would have been like leaving a piece of your heart behind you and now hearing that it was definite that he had moved on, still hurt like hell.

_I will go down with this ship and I won't put my hands up and surrender  
there will be no white flag above my door, I'm in love and always will be _

I had busied myself going through the motions the rest of the day, trying to avoid everything and everyone. I didn't want anyone to know how much it had affected me that you were moving on and I was still struggling with all the love, all the memories and all of the happiness in my heart. You had obviously found a way to put all of those feelings in a box in the back of your heart but I hadn't and I wouldn't. I heard you call my name but I sped up my step. Not now. Not now.

_I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again  
and I cause nothing but trouble, I understand if you can't talk to me again  
and if you live by the rules of it's over  
then I'm sure that that makes sense but _

You are staring at me with your McDreamy smile and the only thing I can think of is the man I fell in love with almost 12 years ago. He was standing right in front of me and not thinking that there was anything strange that he now belonged to another.

I clear my throat and ask politely how you are doing. You smile at me and reach for my arm and move me out of the aisle and said, "Addison, there's something I need to tell you."

I know what's coming, I had already heard but nevertheless hearing it from his lips would be the final straw so I interrupt him and say, "I already know and I was just coming to look for you. Congratulations, Derek. I hope that she can make you happy."

He looks at me with a mixture of scrutiny and disbelief. What? I couldn't act adult? I was breaking inside and it was obvious that my ex-husband didn't care so why would I let him see that his moving on affected me.

He cocked his head and said, "Thank you Addison. Listen, I wanted to talk to you about our marriage."

I shake my head, I can't do this. I won't. I was five seconds from taking the clipboard I used to check on my patients and beating you over the head with it. Couldn't you still see how much you affect me? Did you suddenly become blind to everyone else's feelings?

I smile and shrug my shoulders and start walking as you try to stop me. You grab for my arm and I flinch back and look at you wary, "Derek, we've said all we need to say. Leave it alone."

He smiles that smile, like he's placating me and says, "Addi…" That was the last straw, and I lean forward and press my lips to yours. You are of course shocked and still your hands at my hips and pull back.

I look at him and said, "Now do you see? Do you understand why I can't talk to you? You are moving on, you are happy but I'm still here. I'm still Addison who's in love with Derek so please just leave me alone."

_I will go down with this ship and put my hands up and surrender  
there will be no white flag above my door, I'm in love and always will be _

I nurse my wounded ego with a bottle of vodka, well almost a whole bottle. No one knew of my indiscretion of pressing my lips to yours. Of feeling the warmth that still emanated from your closeness or the effect that it still held over me. I look up when I hear someone clear their throat; I blink my eyes again in disbelief as if I were dreaming because standing in front of me is the reason I was getting drunk.

"What are you doing here Derek?" I watch as he shuffles his feet and stands in front of me with a look of fear. He motions to the chair in front of me and asks to sit down. I nod my acceptance and watch as he slides into the booth and I slide the bottle over to him.

I lean back against the headrest of the booth and watch him under drugged eyes as he takes a small shot with a look of wonder, "If you're here to tell me that you love Meredith, I know. If you're hear to tell me that you don't feel anything for me, I know that as well," I continue to ramble in my brain all the possible reasons that my ex-husband has graced me with his presence when I was content to wallow in self-pity alone.

He reaches across the table for my hand, and I laugh. I stare at his hand like its some alien that's come to choke me and the fact that this was the same hand that I used to long for now became a object of terror to me is funny. I don't know why but it was funny. He wants our connection, a simple touch. A simple touch between us always meant more than anything. He's engaged though so I raise an eyebrow at him and cross my arms and let them rest on my chest.

_and when we meet, which I'm sure we will  
all that was there, will be there still  
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue  
and you will think, that I've moved on_

"You don't have to be here, I'll be fine Derek. I've had to survive without you during our marriage and now that you are remarrying I imagine it will be the same way. Stop worrying about me, I'll be fine."

I look at him trying to read his mind, we used to have almost a telepathic link to each other's mind and heart and now that it's been broken he's gotten better at hiding his expressions, his thoughts from me.

"Addison, do you still really love me?"

I lean forward ready to slap him at the question. How dare he insinuate that I didn't know my own heart? That I didn't know that all the love that was inside of me for him was real or not. I refuse to give him the chance to say anything else so I shake my head and slide out of the booth.

_I will go down with this ship and put my hands up and surrender  
there will be no white flag above my door, I'm in love and always will be_

"Addi…?" I turn around and look into his eyes, he was really hoping that what I would say is no so he could go on about his life not worrying about his past and the woman's heart he broke. He wanted to be let off the hook, to be able to move on without worrying about me. I wasn't proud of the next words that came out of my mouth but they were true and I wouldn't deny them to him or anyone who asked me, "I'm in love with you and I probably always will be, but I also learn when to cut my losses. I hope your happy Derek, I mean that sincerely."

I have to stop myself from touching you one last time and so I shove my eager hands into my pocket and turn away.

As I step into the night and the breeze hits me in the face, I realize that every word that I just uttered to Derek was the truth. It was how I honestly felt.

I'm in love, and I always will be…..Even if you're not.

_

* * *

_I need to stop listening to all this music. 


End file.
